I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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