Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Come see our sink grown plant.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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