At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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