When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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