Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize
