i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
