on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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