I want to have your abortion
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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