Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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