you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
