my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
