Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
