I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
