The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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