Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
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