Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
