I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
