I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
