So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Boobs speak an international language.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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