Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
