i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
