So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Operation Purity has been aborted
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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