In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Randomize