Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
