New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
My cat gives me a boner
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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