I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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