Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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