I'm sorry my penis didn't work
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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