Soap is not a condiment
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
