Pants 0. Shit 1.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
