We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize