I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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