the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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