we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize