i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
