Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
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