How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
