We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
