Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
