How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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