nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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