the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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