piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
