Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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