Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
