I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Randomize
