Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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