at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize