Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Randomize
