bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
