The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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