I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize