you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Dick very happy bro
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
