I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
