How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
