Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
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